Hello My Name is Grant and I am an Addict

In my opinion, the greatest asset a person can have is a sexy brain. Sure good looks and an athletic build help, but a brain that can create, build, and imagine will easily compensate for any other believed deficiency.  The problem is that in order to achieve a sexy brain most of us need to achieve good looks and/or an athletic build, but it isn’t for any superficial reason.  It’s because in order to have a sexy brain, you need to have a healthy brain.  And I don’t.  

I grew up in a very smart world.  All immediate family and most extended family members are college educated with a litter of Masters and PhDs to go around.  Most of us are what the culture would classify as “smart,” but some of us, speaking specifically for myself, took a long time to realize it.  For me, it wasn’t until the second year of my MFA that I first had a moment of clarity.  I was the Teaching Assistant for a Shakespearean Acting class and starting talking about Romeo & Juliet.  I forget specifically what was said, but I know that I walked away from the day smiling and knowing that whatever I had said had been pretty smart.  I finally became self-aware that I was much smarter than the shadow I had cast for myself in the background of much smarter people, some in my own family.  This identity shift was wonderful, but also hurtful because it brought about a much larger problem.  Once I became self-aware I also recognized something I had let crawl into the corner and turn into a monster.  I had a problem and it wasn’t going away without a lot of work.  

My name is Grant and I am a compulsive eater.  When I first said these words out loud they seemed foreign like oranges growing in cornfields or carrots hanging from trees.  I had always been overweight and extremely self-conscious about my size, but never had realized that perhaps it wasn’t just an eating unhealthy problem, but rather a serious lingering illness.  

The first time I said those words was over two years ago and although writing about them and saying them out loud is no less scary than it was before, they are not foreign to me.  I am an addict.  I do need help.  And currently I am in the process of getting some.  

Today marks my seventh day of recovery.  This is not my first attempt to change my life, but I believe it will be my last.  For the first time I am devoted to my program, my trainers, my food plans, my family, my support system, and most importantly to myself.  This will be a very difficult road.  It will be a journey that lasts the rest of my life, but in fighting this disease today, I am tying to add years, maybe even decades onto that journey.  

As I go through this journey I decided to start this blog.  This is one of the scariest things I have ever attempted to do.  Many people who go through addictions are able to find comfort in the fact that the programs they are part of are entirely anonymous.  Using anonymity would be easier for me, frankly it would be much easier, but as a career I have chosen the life of a storyteller and in being a storyteller I believe it is my duty to tell this story.  Through the course of this blog I will be as emotionally naked as I can be.  I will share my frustrations, desires, hopes, dreams, setbacks, and fears.  I am doing so in the hopes that anyone who reads this and thinks that they too might be suffering from my disease that my story can provide some awareness, hope, and maybe even some avenues for help.  

One caveat to my story is that it is my story and my story alone.  As a member of an anonymous organization, I take other’s anonymity incredibly seriously and will never divulge any information that pertains to their lives or to anything from any of my meetings.  Rather I would hope that if you want to hear more stories like mine that you find an AA, NA, or OA meeting near you and attend it.  

My dream is to have a sexy brain.  One that works on all levels, that functions succinctly, and exercises its ability to create and build and dream whenever and wherever possible.  In order to do so I need to help rid it of the disease that infects it.  That is why that I am proud to say, “My name is Grant and I am an addict.”  This is my recovery.